Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in hbutterfly's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2007
6:10 pm	Just Back Wow its been forever. I actually got reminded of this site by a guy whose blog ive become fascinated with. Most of this will just be journal entries for me, my rants and raids, train of thought random wanderings, daily activities ect....but if im feeling extra creative and I feel comfortable with something ive wrote I will post it to share. Problem is, I only have one friend and im not sure how to browse to invite more, guess i'll get to play around and figure that out. Nice to be back. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: TV (Comment on this)
Friday, April 7th, 2006
1:01 am	Eastside it was bad tonight. The mood change, sitting there feeling every ounce of fat on my body, showing like it was outside my skin, rank and repulsive. And there sits my sisters slender, beautiful, full of everything i have ever wanted. The looks slide over me, reminding me of my nonexistent status in the hierarchy. My jaws clench and the black bile starts to churn. Pulsing in waves from my body. It's all i can do to stay seated. I try and find something to focus on to stop the tears or the screams from erupting from inside of me. I picture myself standing and taking every glass and smashing it on the wall or floor then picking them up again to slice my skin. To allow the blood to flow freely, the rage and need for retaliation against the thing i hate the most burns through me. The problem is that it's ME that i hate so much. Not even allowed the smallest sip of the social elixir to muffle the churning tar in my soul. Current Mood: predatory Current Music: silence (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
11:14 am	Heaven's Light It's 3am. My body hurts. It yearns and struggles to find SOMETHING heard about but never understood. The silver light hits the floor. The edges define themselves. I move closer knowing it's not mine to take yet. But BURNING for it enough to TRY. The history of the Moon and Heaven's Light. Current Mood: restless Current Music: sarah (Comment on this)
11:12 am	Matt it sounds trite but the blood pulls closer to soft skin I feel the heat rising it sounds trite but i shiver and my breath catches my muscles tighten it sounds trite but the war wages between my desire and my conscious spliced with old habits it sounds trites but confusion slips in and out laced with frustration and then the decision to let it all go and just ACT it sounds trite but it's true Current Mood: restless Current Music: sigh.......Sarah McLachlin (Comment on this)
11:05 am	Jeremy The wind whips through my hair Caresses my face and I AM conscious of the breath and the solid beat of my heart Things that I sought, So long craved So deep So DEEP In the murky, sticky cavern of my Soul Surfaces to scrape against my skin Like sand paper I remember there are a wealth of places of Dark Matter hiding within me I see HIM, almost as ME The gore, horrifying and repellent That followed his last breath Again the pain of it slides right under The surface of my skin Threatening to tear me This is ME My dark, dark reality Seen though the eyes of another Will the WHY ever be answered for the ONES left behind? PLEASE, PLEASE NO!! It touches those I have sought With all that is in ME to Protect Their grief pricks at my skin And throbs through my veins Traveling hard and clear with EVERY Pump of my heart and rush of my Blood It wasn't suppose to touch them It wasn't supposed to happen. Current Mood: discontent Current Music: steph and her country (Comment on this)
11:02 am	Hebbie's Law #1 I went down to Albany GA last weekend to attend a symposium for my major, which is Forensic Science. I will start attending the school in June and will be there for the next 3 years finishing my degree. Also at the symposium I was able to meet fellow students in the program and my new Professors. Of course I want to make a great first impression for these people. However Murphy's Law, which reigns in Hebbie World, would not permit that to happen. 1) Lacee and I go into the luncheon where everyone is sitting I sit down and take a big gulp of the ice tea on the table. Right as I am half way swallowing Lacee has to say something smart ass (I honestly don't remember what it was) and I proceed to SHOOT ice tea out of my nose and mouth, all over myself and the table. And then of course I couldn't stop laughing! So I continued to leak ice tea everywhere! CLASSIC HEBBIE MOMENT!!!!!! Current Mood: discontent Current Music: steph has that damn country station on again (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
11:14 am	hebbie's murphy's law #2 All Hail Albany I went down to Albany GA last weekend to attend a symposium for my major, which is Forensic Science. I will start attending the school in June and will be there for the next 3 years finishing my degree. Also at the symposium I was able to meet fellow students in the program and my new Professors. Of course I want to make a great first impression for these people. However Murphy's Law, which reigns in Hebbie World, would not permit that to happen. (this is the background for those of you that didn't catch the first one) I'm sitting in the seminar and the subject was Mitochondrial DNA. This is a subject that i have yet to study in depth so a good portion of it was completely over my head! It was after lunch so i was full. And you know why i got very little sleep! (read my blog if you missed the first one). So naturally i was having trouble staying awake. I was doing that head nodding thing. I must have totally fallen asleep at this point because the next thing i know lacee is smacking my arm, HARD, and the people around us were looking at me. Apparently i had snored sooooooo loud that they heard it through the whole Auditorium!!!!! GO HEATHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: steph has a country station on-not my fav (Comment on this)
Monday, April 3rd, 2006
2:33 pm	Fluffy girls rock! Thought I would start a little Blog called "It's Heather's world and everyone else is visiting" At work on Wednesday I was filling in for another employee while she was on her lunch break. While sitting at her desk she was IM'ed by a young man from one of the dating services. Just to clarify this young lady is very pretty and has an athletic figure. The guy had seen her pictures and was interested in talking to her. Not wanting him to think she was ignoring him, I let him know that she was out to lunch and would be back soon. However, he continued to chat with me for a little bit, asking the usual questions. The conversation came down to a very simple fact: Many guys don't mind, or even like having fluffy girls in their bed but they don't have any interest in having them on their arm in public or introducing them to their friends. This is a simple fact I have learned in life, and am therefore pretty careful about entering into relationships that are more than platonic. As I expressed this to the guy and told him firmly but simply that I considered myself to precious to just be someone's random booty call I didn't get an answer back. He had signed off, no nice talking to you, no thanks, not even an Im not interested in anything else. He just left. Obviously, with no emotional attachment I thought it was funny and dismissed it. However though my growing up years, having this or similar responses was a very Current Mood: horny Current Music: mulan rouge soundtrack (Comment on this)
1:43 pm	containment Why can't he just go away and leave me alone. He paces the hallway and rooms, disturbing my thoughts and peace. The tension, he touches everything. Moving it to find "proper" places, shifting, easing, making noise with small objects that disturb my thoughts. The Ball of Tension rises, forms, accumulates in my Chest. Let me study Viggo in peace. Go to Bed so my day can start and flow without your edges of tension and properness scraping away at my KA. Then the other one comes up radiating with whiney frustration at the situations in her life. She is unwilling to change. Always looking for excuses to be the martyr. The most comfortable position she knows. So which is worse? the harried explosions of crossed personalities and expectations or the financial woes of being on ones own? It's horrible never to be able to trust yourself with your own safety. I gave her back the advice she gave me - set it aside at the beginning of the month. She responds first with an instinct to lash, especially at her financially crippled, abusing offspring but then she decides against it. Feigning thoughtfulness and the act of listening. What comes next? A look of cute but nauseating grumpyness comes over her face and she declares it bedtime. Sometime later she is backup the stairs; stomping, movements jerky and quick. Excuding anger. The unfair comment of her "financially abusing offspring" wells in her soul till she can't stand it any more and then the martyr comes out and the pity party rages. I speak to her. Giving her permission to accuse me, send angry words at me, throwing my turned advice in my face. She responds negative and once again i open myself to her hateful life and wisdom. Preparing to be the tree hanging on through consequtive windy blast. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT! Current Mood: calm Current Music: mixed cd, currently jamiriqui "Dance" (Comment on this)